Month: June 2010

Summer

Bites

Posted on by jeanneji

I have bug bites. Somewhere in the usual double digits, but I have an itching problem. I love scratching.

I don’t have many plans. I applied for this Lab Tech job, which sounded AMAYYYYZINGGG, but they’re looking for someone for a year-long contract. The lady said she’d keep me in mind though, so I’m optimistic.  I would love a lab job.

In a little while, I’m taking my brother to work and then I’m thinking about running to the mall. There are these super cute shoes (ew, I’m such a girl right now). Other than that, I have nothing to do. I read some of my book this morning- maybe pick up a new one too? Not that I don’t have enough books on my wall- I just want some more Susane Colasanti.  She’s good; she speaks to me.

This is another attempt at blogging more often. This morning, I read something off twitter from Deryck.  He made his own little blog-ish entry, and it makes me think. It pretty much says how people stopped dreaming and settle for boring lives and we should all live life.

Live your fucking lives, people.  Paying bills are one thing, but don’t sell yourself short.   Everyone lives with some regrets.  Just make sure you are regretting something you did, not something you didn’t do.

He speaks to me. Every time something like that comes up, I feel like I have the urge to really take a step towards it and do something worthwhile instead of sitting around. I personally feel I’m a little too uptight still. Jenn doesn’t agree, but maybe she’s biased 😛 I want to get more out of life- here’s to trying!

While we’re there, I’m working on letting go. I tend to dwell and I just need to make the best of what there is, because bumming around won’t get me where I want to be. I cannot keep holding myself back. Given, it’s not as easy as it seems; knowing myself, I’ll make it a little more difficult, but it’s something that is worth a shot. A shot I must take.

There’s this to-do list. I really should knock some of those out. I should revamp- or maybe just finish- kuro-shiro.net. That’d be great 🙂 On top of that, who knows. I’ll try to keep posted.

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General

Absolution

Posted on by jeanneji

I’m sitting here in my house in Philly. I’ve been feeling so alone and just freaking depressed lately. I know its not really a good thing, but there’s a lot going on right now. Not to be super dumpy, but sometimes it seems like the world is coming to an end.

I have no plans. I have no people. I’m sort of trying to spend some of my time out here to think, and get some of my own things done.  I have a few distractions that I need to work on.

Dave. He makes me stupid. He’s legit one of the best things to happen to me, but I realize, he deserves better. We met on OKC, and when he went off to school, he turned it off.  I got one of my emails about the people in my quiver the other day, and for fun, I decided to type in his username. Active. He’s definitely back. He’s also chatting up some new girls. That’s great- both sarcastically and legitimately.  We’re all looking for that someone, but I just wanted that someone to be him. I’ve always had the feeling that he wasn’t on the same page- and this sort of confirms it for me.

This makes no statement about friendship- not at all. He’s absolutely wonderful. I’m just getting the feeling that it’s time to move on (maybe should have seen it a while ago; maybe I shouldn’t get so attached).  He’s looking for something else…I wish him the best.

There are various other things that are happening that just have me so overwhelmed right now.  I accept full responsibility, but I wish things could be different. Things are changing and I need to grow up.

Lenny will be down this evening. I have a movie date with Kelsey later (she’s studying for her summer class); this is a process for getting back to life. I’ve disconnected.

It’s not that I keep hanging on- I’m never letting go

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Home, Summer

Boys

Posted on by jeanneji

So the other night, James sent me a message online.  I wasn’t around so I did not catch it, but it happened again.  He was nearly begging to see me and said many nice things, where I kinda wanted to see him anyway, but had a good idea what his intentions were.

I mentioned it to Jenn, saying how I’d stop by his place for a bit then pick up a necklace from her that I’ve been meaning to get.  Done plan.

I got to his house, and in a few minutes, he came outside ran over to my car and got in on the passenger side.  he looked at me and said, Jeanne– How the fuck are you.  He brought up when we met, and how he must have come off as (nutbag).  We sat there and chatted for a while, and he was being pretty “honest” about things, in the sense that he was holding a conversation and seemingly playing the role of a friend.  Then he starts rolling in on how he’s apologizing for the past and how he really wants to start over and be friends, or even more.

He talks like Dave, which scares me.  I stopped being bitter about James a little while ago, but it’s not that I’ve forgotten what has happened.  I let go, but remember.  The entire rest of the night, we’re chatting, and from time to time, he throws in how he feels and wants us to spend time together and all the great things any girl would love to hear.  Any other occasion, I would have been the butter in the socks (thats right, incoherent statements is the true tale of emotions).  I want to believe him so bad, because it fucking sounds so good.  Trust, faith. He asked for both of those, which I said I didn’t know if I could do.  He said he understood that it’s gonna be hard, but he wants me to believe so bad.

At one point, we were even talking about the future, ish.  As much bad history we have, the good moments were grand. We got on the topic of kids, and I got to telling him how I planned on naming my son after my father, whose name is also James.  What a coincidence. But he was in such awe about that and said it was a great idea, and how he wanted to name his kid James too.  The fuckin 5th. James Patrick Butler V.  Oh, it’s almost like we should have kids to fulfill both naming desires. Yeahhh.  But I started telling him how everyone is getting knocked up. Even mentioned how K.Cush had her baby on Mother’s day.  I told him how I was wondering if I got knocked up, if it would ruin my career or if I could make it…he told me I could be a great mother. Wow.

He asked about my life and Dave even came up.  But that’s when it started getting difficult.  I like Dave a whole lot. Up until this past few days, I was totally ok with a future with him and all the grand things an insane person comes up with.  Then here comes James prancing back in, saying all the things I want to hear.  I will always have a soft spot for him- he was (is?) my Jake Ryan. I told him that.  Let’s say he’s being legit, he’s not a bad kid, and I’m honestly a little curious as to where it could go…then I think back to Dave, who is also all sorts of great, PLUS has never actually done anything to make me weary of him- although he has not vocalized how he feels, where as James has.

James took my hand and was trying to sell the point that he’s for real. For real. I haven’t used that since sophomore year when he said it.  He said he was mine. All of him was for me- I am the proud owner of the JPBIV, while he has no ownership of anything.  Kinda cute, but all still suspicious.

The thing about him is that, I always scenarios through my head. I replay events.  I think I have a verdict on where I stand with this.  I don’t believe his words, as much as he insists he is true and as much as I want to believe them.  BUT. I have thought about something for a long time now. Honesty is much appreciated.  Would I rather us be the sort of friends with benefits, as long as we both know there’s nothing more, or make believe it’s something really special when he’s really just using me.

The former is less heart breaking, in my opinion.  I starting questioning how I’d feel about Dave in this picture.  I almost feel guilty, but we don’t have an official title- nothing has been established.  I’d commit to unofficial exclusivity, but I don’t know where he stands on anything.  I think I’m just into him more than he is me : I know he’s really busy with school and seeing all his friends, but I honestly think that I would almost see James more in this situation only because he’s so much closer.  Ok. So he’s not the MOST upstanding citizen, and his past is kiiiinddaaa crummy- he’s definitely changed, but I also feel that old habits die hard.

I don’t believe that anyone can really be into me. I don’t believe him to be sincere about that. He just wants his dick wet. But we were sitting in my car for over 5 hours last night- got in around 4:30am.  That’s a lot of time for just wanting a little bit (which didn’t even happen).  That makes me want to think it’s different. He also said he’d call or txt around 3-4 today after work so we could maybe do something. That didn’t happen, and makes me think it’s all the same.  Maybe he has changed, just not for me.

I want Dave, but with James, it’s just nice to have a little attention once in a while. Goodness knows I don’t ever hear things like that.  What do I do. Oh hey Dave, since you’re busy, I’m just gonna go hang out with my ex who talks about us the way we talk about things. Oh, and he’s pulled out his penis- don’t worry. That’s not something to be concerned about u_u;;

1. I am a terrible person. 2. I’m a crazy bitch. 3. I have issues.

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