With everything and looking back, I need to start doing things that I say or want to do before I end up making regrets. Regrets…that is something I don’t do.

Top of the list is- you guessed it- Dave. I need to write him a letter. Long overdue, among the many other things.  I just hope I’m not too late, that I didn’t miss my chance…

In the time that I drafted this original entry, (it was too close to the last so I held off), There have been a few changes.  I ended up throwing myself out there to D (not in such an extreme sense of all or nothing, but not my usual ways.) A few days weeks ago, I was starting to lose hope in everything that could be. I was ready to hand over this boy that I honestly might just L word to some girl that may or may not even be a threat.

Just last night, I was scouting Yahoo Answers and a girl asked about dealing with jealousy.

Jealousy … refers to the negative thoughts and feelings of insecurity, fear, and anxiety over an anticipated loss of something that the person values [particularly in reference to a human connection]. It is not to be confused with envy.

Envy is best defined as an emotion that "occurs when a person lacks another’s (perceived) superior quality, achievement, or possession and either desires it or wishes that the other lacked it.

I tend to use the two interchangeably (or at least jealous to mean envious), but I always said my deadly sin was envy.  The thing that I consciously realized last night (and possibly subconscious after D) was that jealousy is self-fulfilling [WikiHow] Because if I believe that I am not good enough and that I don’t have any quality being sought, I change to the point where what was not true then, is.  I could go on trying to make this clear, but I hope you understand.

You are the reason…