Month: July 2011

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Stronger

Posted on by jeanneji

Tonight, I said no. Not just any no, but to said boy.

This whole situation helped me get some perspective on abusive relationships too. Stay with me now.

Let’s say someone who is sticking to an abusive relationship is not completely of sound mind. Damaged, if you will. I’m going with the, traumatic experience that sets the voice of doubt and worthlessness. Let me use myself and a male as an example (not to say that it’s always a man beating a woman).  First off, it was not always abusive- they always start well. He at least pretended to care.

Even if things had started well, it got to a point where it was “unhealthy”. Why stick around? Why keep coming back? Being damaged,  I have a craving for “love” and attention, and this is the closest substitute there is.  When no one else is around, he is there (wanted or not).

Let’s say he’s beating me and trying to change everything about me. You tend to justify things in this condition; what I decided is that even with all the things he wants to change, there’s something in my mind that says- why doesn’t he just get a new girl? Maybe there’s something “me” specific that he can’t find in someone else. Possibly. Sure there’s nothing else he wants, but he’s keeping me around for a reason. That sense of something about me being so essential to overrule finding someone else with all the other qualities. It is that simple idea that can lead me to think that maybe I am special and maybe he does want me. In that second, I give him another chance. I think he can satisfy my need to be needed, wanted. For that second, I am special…could be that weakness he wants too, though.

That made more sense in my head. But As lame as it is, I can sort of understand a little more, only because I am pretty damaged.  Knowing full well this is a terrible decision, saying no has not gotten easier.. He has a part of me still, the one that hopes for change, that things could be different. I also have a fear that if I shut him out completely, then I won’t have any contact with people at all (being that he’s made the most contact of all my legit friends combined 🙂

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Internets

Oops

Posted on by jeanneji

I had the strangest dream last night and for the first time in a while, I decided to log it. Silly me saw there was an update and didn’t back up. Echo crashed and disappeared. Great.

I finally restored that and came over here and finally worked out the img upload kink I’ve never bothered to fix for a few years now. Oh look, update on WP Framework! Let me update. I don’t learn. Not that anything broke, but installing the new layout overwrote my own and thus my site looks even more stock than it ever did before. I’m in the process of making it a little more personal again, but I can’t seem to figure this one out. In time. I put up a stupid logo in the mean time!

Did I mention this font is HUGE?

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Dreams

That Boy

Posted on by jeanneji

I had this dream last night.

I was at an event where it was as if we were in a train station/casino/theater. I was with Laney and Joanne and they were talking to the lady at the desk about ticketing. In the distance I see Matt W. who was with some girl. They were discussing how if they were going, they needed to make sure that there was a train so that they could make it back down to JMU afterwards.

Note: Background information. I really haven’t seen this kid since high school and we were pretty close friends. I wished him a happy birthday and we hinted at getting together this summer. I texted him on 3 events and he said he would get back to me. To this point, he hasn’t gotten back to me so I’m just letting it go.

He hadn’t seen me yet and I didn’t want to keep looking over there in case we made eye contact. I wasn’t going to bring anything up. Eventually, I saw him look over out the corner of my eye and he realized it was me. He started walking over and I pretended to look up so surprised & excited to see him. I was straddling a bench when he came over and was starting to take a seat. There wasn’t much said. I went to give him a hug and he was apologizing for never calling back. He started to mention something about him being free starting Monday (or something like that) and I asked if that meant we could hang out Monday.

He said no, that’s not what he meant. This is when he took a seat behind me where we were both facing the ticketing desk. He put his hands over mine and interlocked our fingers. He leaned his head in and started whispering in my ear.  He apologized again for what happened and said that now that he’s available we can try to make this work. Of course that’s the implication of a relationship which I did not expect. He started getting a little handsy, running our hands (still together) over my skin and just being really sensual. I really couldn’t help the way my body reacted because it just felt so nice. Just to be held.

Then I started thinking about D. I wasn’t sure what to do. I settled on the thought that even though I’ve been waiting for D, there was no commitment made and maybe I could see where this went with Matt in the mean time.  I just never expected to get any of that from Matt so it threw me off.

The scene transformed into part of an old castle to the outside and a cemetery.  I was just with Matt and we started to see some people running in the cemetery. It was Steve and he called out to one of his teachers who was ahead of him. I said very loudly that it’s nice that he never said hi to me too. I hopped off the bench to say hi to Steve. After that, I was sitting on this couch/ledge a little bit down from Matt. Amy showed up later. It was strange how everyone was there (like a high school reunion) and I rolled off the ledge and started to lay on the ground [this method is reminiscent of the one time I slid out of bed when I was with D]. Then I was thinking how strange I am and if that would affect what Matt thought of me.

I woke up shortly after this. Confused.

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Home

Down

Posted on by jeanneji

Of course I’m depressed. My mind hasn’t shut up on years. I’m always thinking about everything and playing every conflicting scenario through my head. Sculpting my every word so meticulously. Tonight is a vent. I don’t mean to attack anyone but its been on my mind…maybe I’m too nice to say it out loud. Maybe I’m too scared to cry in front of people.

There are a few ways my conversation with Lenny about Omega can go. I’ve played that one in my head a few hundred times with all his possoble responses and all the ways I can phrase it. I might do an email to avoid live chat.

Or my self esteem blow when you take all the credit. You’ve got a lot to speak for, but damn it I’m pretty sure I made that whole hat and I called over 2 of those dogs. But no. It couldn’t possibly be me or about me. Ever.

I’m just the convenient one who is home if you’re around…except when you drive 300+ miles from school to hang out with your roomate from school. Nah. I’m free when you get bored of that. Like I said, I’ll see you in December- maybe.

You have to understand. I’m a very literal person. Word choice is everything. Face value: I take what you say to be what you mean. How else should I interpret it? I know we’re very different people with different values, sometimes u wonder why we even have each other.  But when you make certain statements, that everyone is replaceable and you don’t care about anything. That’s a literal translation to say that our friendship means shit and I’m just filler. Thanks.

I know we said there wouldn’t be anything to it. NSA. I got that. But maybe I was starting to build a kind of friend. I’m not saying I am heartbroken, but I’m ablittle hurt when you drop off the planet with no words or responses. I’m not attached, but I do miss you.

I hate it when you complain about some things to me. Last time I checked, you had it tons better than me in that department. For me, you don’t have much room to complain. I know there’s worse off than me, but what I get from you sometimes is a joke. Appreciate what you have a little.

You’re the worst of them all. So many times you seem like you’re trying to be a good person, but I know you’re just using me. That’s the only time I ever hear from you, trying to make it seem like you want to see me and miss me. I know its a lie, but I can’t help but agree to it. This is definitely a parasitic relationship that I wont let myself give up. Maybe I’m still hoping for change, or just the shot to see what everyone else does… What’s worse though- knowingly being used or not even realizing it?

I don’t want to let you down, but I’m falling apart. I’m not ok but I can’t even have time for that. I’m too compliant. I can’t ask for my own needs if I’m a doormat. Unheard of. But in case you were being serious when you ask, how are you, I’m terrible. I’m depressed and lonely. I am exhausted because I can’t sleep well; the last good, full night of sleep I got was December 2010. I distinctly remember when I lost that. I’m growing incredibly neurotic where it’s a detriment to my well bring, and that mixes just well with my nasty emotional state. I feel overworked and I’m empty inside.

How are you?

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