Tonight, I said no. Not just any no, but to said boy.

This whole situation helped me get some perspective on abusive relationships too. Stay with me now.

Let’s say someone who is sticking to an abusive relationship is not completely of sound mind. Damaged, if you will. I’m going with the, traumatic experience that sets the voice of doubt and worthlessness. Let me use myself and a male as an example (not to say that it’s always a man beating a woman).  First off, it was not always abusive- they always start well. He at least pretended to care.

Even if things had started well, it got to a point where it was “unhealthy”. Why stick around? Why keep coming back? Being damaged,  I have a craving for “love” and attention, and this is the closest substitute there is.  When no one else is around, he is there (wanted or not).

Let’s say he’s beating me and trying to change everything about me. You tend to justify things in this condition; what I decided is that even with all the things he wants to change, there’s something in my mind that says- why doesn’t he just get a new girl? Maybe there’s something “me” specific that he can’t find in someone else. Possibly. Sure there’s nothing else he wants, but he’s keeping me around for a reason. That sense of something about me being so essential to overrule finding someone else with all the other qualities. It is that simple idea that can lead me to think that maybe I am special and maybe he does want me. In that second, I give him another chance. I think he can satisfy my need to be needed, wanted. For that second, I am special…could be that weakness he wants too, though.

That made more sense in my head. But As lame as it is, I can sort of understand a little more, only because I am pretty damaged.  Knowing full well this is a terrible decision, saying no has not gotten easier.. He has a part of me still, the one that hopes for change, that things could be different. I also have a fear that if I shut him out completely, then I won’t have any contact with people at all (being that he’s made the most contact of all my legit friends combined 🙂