Month: September 2011

General

Next Time

Posted on by jeanneji

D is headed out tomorrow- earlyish. Ideally, I’d meet him at a pit stop along the way just so I can see him before he’s gone. This would be the first time I’ve seen him on the east coast since I met him (2+ years ago)…and also the first time since about January 6 of this year. I’m optimistic in the sense that I’d kill to see this kid…but I’m doubtful that it’ll work out since my master plans always fall apart.

There’ was something I wanted to show him. This boy lives and breathes Philadelphia; there’s a magnificent view of it at night from a bridge by my place. I would have loved to take him there- but there was just never time. I took pictures of it once night, and I just wrote an email to him and attached the pictures. A little something for going away.  By the end of the email, I felt like I was writing a farewell. I know that this isn’t goodbye- it never is. It just bums me out like I’ll never see him again.  I probably should be so attached or care this much, but I do.

I’ve pretty much come down to this decision right now.  I’m dropping the topic. It’s the only good thing I can do right now. I’m always pushing topics and ideas to see him. I’m sure some would say that if he wanted to see me or something, he’d make some time or maybe have a little more effort. Any other situation I would agree, but this is different. I honestly believe that. I’m not hanging on to the high hope that I’ll see him any time soon (as much as I would love that), so in a sense maybe the email was a farewell. Farewell for now. If he happens to say something tomorrow, then I’ll be ecstatic, but whatever. Things will happen if they’re supposed to happen. Things have a time, and I’m going to kick patience in the ass.

Side note. I broke the left click button on my laptop again. It works when I push on it, but it doesn’t spring back up as a “button” anymore. This is the second time the exact thing happened. The only thing different is that my computer is no longer under warranty.  Damn broken rubbers.

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General

Ni Hao

Posted on by jeanneji

The topic of race has been coming up a lot recently. Clarification, I’m not Chinese.

I’d like to say that although I may crack the occasional frequent race joke, I’m not serious about it. I’m sorry if it offends, but at the end of the day its a joke. There is a reason why stereotypes exist. Its just silly to notice them.

It’s a good thing when you can laugh at yourself. I will admit to fitting 95% of Asian stereotypes…given, I have a better driving record (I signal), I’m still pretty asian- and proud of that.

This also brings up the pride thing, similar to religion. I’m asian, but I don’t skunk you. None of this extreme black power, white supremacy, Latino heat- I’m Asian but you don’t have to drink me up. I’m not pushing asian pride all over the place. Yes, being asian explains a lot of what, why and how I do things, but it’s not being shoved down your throat. We all know I’m yellow- I don’t need yo state it.

That all being said, I think I go about it in an alright manner. Some people take it too seriously or just go overboard. Relax. We’re all people.

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Health

Calme

Posted on by jeanneji

I’m just looking for a minute. A minute where my mind is at rest. A minute when I’m not analyzing something, picking something apart, trying to re-do the moment in my mind. I want just a minute where I’m not agonizing over ever last detail. A moment when my emotions aren’t brought over the edge. A time I don’t have to actually think. I want to stop running.

I’m exhausted, and I can’t make it stop.

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General

The L

Posted on by jeanneji

Every time I’m laying in bed and can’t sleep, I clean out my phone. That also means I pass D things, and then I like to reminisce and melt. Yep. That just happened.

Every word strikes a chord (if you will) with me. I was thinking of FM just now and their song “Fighting For Air”. I don’t need you in heels but I need you head over. Just the reverse of that.

I looked up infatuation the other week. I asked Rob if that necessarily had a negative connotation to which he said no. I’m trying to get a grasp on what I’m feeling because it feels like its getting out of control (not literally out of control- its still in check- but just wild). So…infatuated. enamored?

We’re close, but not THAT close. I know where I stand should status change. It’s this middle grey zone that is toying with me (and my emotions). I know, I know we’ve had the talk. I know he’s busy. Sometimes I just wonder what if things were different, that’s all. I’m always…maybe not always, but I’m pushing things from time to time. Suggesting plans. Odds are 1 in 15638747382749, but I want to try. After all, it was that random suggestion that got me Core Creek 🙂 Butter sauce. I’d say just give me one more day but that’d be lying. I want more. I’d take eternity of he’d let me….I’d take 5 minutes if he had it.

I’m pretty sure if he read this shit we wouldn’t be friends. I’m nucking futs. But I’ve done well limiting my contact. I’d love to have daily contact; I could easily be a stage 5 clinger if I didn’t moderate myself- I could cling in my sleep. But no. I watch how much there is and back off when I get too far in. He needs his space.

This is exactly how I see him. Gumming up the works. I know he gums up my works; I can’t forcefully gum up his.

Try not to think less of me because of this…

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