Dreams

Misfortune

Last night, I had several dreams. It’s been a while since I’ve written anything down so bear with me. This first one happened between 9pm-1am. I don’t remember when I fell asleep but I know I woke up just before 1 thinking it had to be at least 4am. I was up until 3:30am maybe then I fell asleep until 9-10am.

in the first part, I was walking into a school gym from the back. the place was completely decorated in presidential things- podiums and streamers everywhere. there are cords hanging from all over the place. Amy was walking in front of me and I asked her if they set this all up last night. She said yes. We used to have to set it up the morning of but this is more efficient. But the schedule still allows us to not take part in our first period class since we could not be present for the whole class. we went off to the band room where everyone was practicing. for some reason, only the clarinets were exempt from class. the band was going and all the clarinets were sitting there goofing off. Erin played a little bit but not much.

just then a lady walks into the front with a few other students. she has an announcement to make. there were 2 students there who were Colton, CA candidates and she was announcing 2 more. Then there were 2 girls who were named. I was so shocked. I looked at another girl in the band, I think it was Amanda, and signaled 2 being confused. I needed to text Matt and tell him the terrible news. I pulled out my phone and during the message, I kept having trouble spelling Colton for some reason, but I explained how there were 4 Colton people here in class right now.

I woke up after that part. There’s another scene that I am unsure when it happened.

It was a long hot summer day and I was walking down the street with Linda. There was a trade show going on. I went into this one computer place. This guy who ran it started conversation. Then he asked this lady if she was looking for a job. She wasn’t particularly interested because she had another job but I wanted to know why he didn’t ask me. She had some graphic background and I didn’t. It was a nice conversation and I eventually left to go find Linda. We walked outside and through front doors and I saw Chau. We kinda glanced at each other and nodded a hello. Linda was done and as we were walking back, she asked if I knew about this one pizza place or something. Her and her friends wanted to meet up there. I coincidentally just had a conversation about it, though I’ve never been there, and explained to her where it was.

In the next set of dreams, I was driving to visit Joanne in New York. I ended up at a restaurant and she said to leave my car there and she’d pick me up from there. Trattatori’s. Next thing we’re in this big audience or at her house. I remember wandering around a little and being at a mall too. It is a bit of a blur. I just remember that when we had to leave, I couldn’t find my car. I thought maybe I just left it somewhere else but just kept going with Joanne.

There was another part where I was supposed to be going out with Matt and his mom. We were doing something but then were reminded that we only had 30 minutes left until we had to go. I start rushing around to find clothes and shoes. That ended up taking forever since nothing was working right. Meanwhile, Matt kept coming out of my brother’s room with different outfits on seeing what worked. Several of them being fairly feminine. My tights had a tear in them and none of my shoes fit right. Eventually we got to this restaurant and Matt’s mom was sitting there waiting. She ordered ahead some steak and pasta dish. She asked why we were so late and James, who was sitting next to her, said that I was being a girl. I got the menu and started flipping through. There was a lot of text and it was like reading a program to a show. I couldn’t actually take in any of the content because I just became so exhausted that I couldn’t read it. I got to the end and gave it to Matt.

His mom saw some parade outside or something and wanted to join in. We left the restaurant and did the parade and stopped into another restaurant for the end of parade treat or something. We headed back to the original restaurant and our table had been cleared. James made a point that we left for the parade and that was not brief. The sign said please seat yourself and we were looking around for clear tables as Matt’s mom tried to talk to a guy about our table. She finally came around and picked a table. When we got there, 2 of the plates had peanuts on them, as if people were already there. She and James took their seats and then we realized that mine and Matt’s seat had coats on the backs of the chairs. This had to be someone table. Food started coming out and Matt didn’t care anymore. He sat down and started eating with James. I asked whose food it was. Apparently, the front of the restaurant had been reserved for some event for Yoko Ono. We were eating her food as her guests. I didn’t feel right about it.

That was a bulk of it. I’ll see if anything comes up later.

General, Travel

Stormy

Holy Hell this watch is beautiful. I just came across a limited series of Star Wars watches from Seiko. This one just happens to be going for $1600 🙁 It’s mighty beautiful though.

Side note, I’m going down to the city tomorrow to visit Lenny. Joey is coming along, of course. It’s been a while since I’ve seen anyone. I’m just hoping to stop by Matt’s apt. to pick up a few things too. Maybe reminisce about the days when it was just us in there. His family is great, but I miss our alone time. I know he doesn’t see his family much, but it’s just been work and Guildwars 2. It’s one of those situations going from constant to nothing. I miss the attention. I’d like to think that I’d be better if it wasn’t such a drastic change so quick.

On the up side, he has two interviews so far! One of them is in West Virginia and the other is CALIFORNIA. We all know that I prefer California to the middle of nowhere, but we’ll take what we can get. It would just be a win for me if that’s where he chose to end up. We’ll see though. I will probably end up going with him down to WV for that interview, but it’s too costly right now to tag along to the west coast. I’m not concerned about the interviews because he’s great with them. Getting the interview was the difficult portion- he’s so charismatic and knowledgeable.

I rearranged my room, finally. It’s still somewhat cluttered, but it’s a lot cleaner than it was. I finally pulled my speakers out of the box- they’re banging. I still need to finish up some things but it is definite progress 🙂

General

Last Day

This is part 2 of my last day here. I was only here a few days but it’s always so sad to leave. I have to go home for work this weekend but I can’t come back up after another weekend. I would have preferred to be here the next weekend when I didn’t have to leave on a Friday night, but I wanted to be here now.

This is starting to get difficult. I really feel so close to him, but I just can’t say it yet. The classic girl in me wants it to be perfect. Just right. I hate being this way.

I was chatting with Dave for a bit the other day. It came out how I have been depressed. He’s really supportive and says wonderful things about me. It’s interesting when he says he has dreams about me, but he’s got his girlfriend. Why am I so special. There’s a part of me, maybe I don’t feel exactly like I used to about him, but there’s still history there. He’s still a great guy. I’ve been watching How I Met Your Mother and there’s advice against having your ex at the wedding. I’ve been thinking that I might want to have Dave at my wedding. I know that could be bad, but I want to think we are great friends that are past this. I’m sure it would probably be on me anyway.

I wish I knew where I was going in life.

General

The Words

So I’m back up at Matt’s. After working the weekend and Monday for Kim. I know I haven’t been working much, but I’m just so unhappy there. I don’t want to do anything.

So I’m sitting in the living room watching How I Met Your Mother. I started from the beginning and I’m catching up. There’s a lot of really cute moments in here and it almost makes me sad. I know I have Matt and he’s absolutely wonderful. I can’t even begin to describe how amazing he is to me. When I was talking with Aliece, I described to her what I always dreamed of in a guy. I always said it was so unrealistic. I told her I wanted someone who loved me and believed in me even when I did not think so. Someone who things I’m beautiful when I feel fat; someone who wants to be there for me and believes in me.

Matt is all of those things and I still cannot believe it is all real. The only thing is I hate talking about him to Amanda because she doesn’t have this. I don’t want to seem like I’m rubbing it in her face or putting her down. It’s a tough battle. I always think of other people. I wonder if they ever thought about me like that. Since I have always been that friend who never had anyone. They’ve all been in relationships at one point or another. This is my first one and it’s a big one.

We’ve talked about marriage and kids and family. The more I just sit here watching this show, or just being at home by myself after all the time we’ve had together- I miss him. I want him. I haven’t gotten the courage to drop the L word yet, but the more I think about it the harder it is. At first it wasn’t so bad because I wasn’t set on the feeling yet. But now it hits me and I don’t know what to do. I keep overthinking it.

I don’t know what I’m doing with myself anymore. The man of my dreams is here. He loves me, and I’m pretty sure I love him. There, I said it.

I just remembered a part of my dream. I had a dream Matt checked his residency applications online and all but 3 rejected him (the last few just haven’t gotten back to him yet). That’s horrible. He’s such an amazing person and knows so much about medicine- he’s just not a good test taker. I wish I could do more to help him. It’s not fait to him and the things he wants to do. He’s amazing…and he’s mine Smile

General

The L Word

Ok. I haven’t kept up with the entries, but I’ve been pretty good with my routine. I have been more tired and sleeping in more with Matt, but I am still exercising. Ugh. I can’t believe I’m actually exercising. I’ve been playing with Kenobi a lot lately. I went for a bike ride and even left Eagle Rock.

The big thing about this post is that I think it happened last night. I was laying with Matt in bed before bed and he got up to take a shower. But in the moment that he was standing there drinking his bottle of water, I felt something. I think it’s that attachment. I know he’s been thinking I would slip up and say the L word since 5 months ago, but I honestly never “felt” the L word until last night. I wanted to be sure, and I wanted to know. It was easier for him since the feeling struck early on. I just had a fear that I would never feel that way. I know he’s amazing and I care about him a lot, but I needed that feeling before I could/would say it.

Just now I was texting him after the elliptical and there was that missing feeling inside. He’s not just someone. Kelsey texted me the other day and she asked how we were. She said it seemed like we were getting really serious. I didn’t really get that since she doesn’t know much about our relationship, but I’d say we’re serious.

One of my biggest fears was that I still had feelings for Dave, and I might always kind of wonder what that would have been, but we’re just really good friends now, I’d say. He’s happy so I should be happy for him. I have Matt now so I shouldn’t have these thoughts or feelings, but I still do to an extent- not that I would leave him, it’s just something I still think about. I just hate having experiences that involve Dave because I feel like you shouldn’t bring up another boy like that just because of the history.

This is my last night here until I have to go home to work. It’s been nice not doing anything and just kind of working on myself. Given, I think the prozac is cause of my exhaustion, I am taking care of myself.