So I’m back up at Matt’s. After working the weekend and Monday for Kim. I know I haven’t been working much, but I’m just so unhappy there. I don’t want to do anything.

So I’m sitting in the living room watching How I Met Your Mother. I started from the beginning and I’m catching up. There’s a lot of really cute moments in here and it almost makes me sad. I know I have Matt and he’s absolutely wonderful. I can’t even begin to describe how amazing he is to me. When I was talking with Aliece, I described to her what I always dreamed of in a guy. I always said it was so unrealistic. I told her I wanted someone who loved me and believed in me even when I did not think so. Someone who things I’m beautiful when I feel fat; someone who wants to be there for me and believes in me.

Matt is all of those things and I still cannot believe it is all real. The only thing is I hate talking about him to Amanda because she doesn’t have this. I don’t want to seem like I’m rubbing it in her face or putting her down. It’s a tough battle. I always think of other people. I wonder if they ever thought about me like that. Since I have always been that friend who never had anyone. They’ve all been in relationships at one point or another. This is my first one and it’s a big one.

We’ve talked about marriage and kids and family. The more I just sit here watching this show, or just being at home by myself after all the time we’ve had together- I miss him. I want him. I haven’t gotten the courage to drop the L word yet, but the more I think about it the harder it is. At first it wasn’t so bad because I wasn’t set on the feeling yet. But now it hits me and I don’t know what to do. I keep overthinking it.

I don’t know what I’m doing with myself anymore. The man of my dreams is here. He loves me, and I’m pretty sure I love him. There, I said it.

I just remembered a part of my dream. I had a dream Matt checked his residency applications online and all but 3 rejected him (the last few just haven’t gotten back to him yet). That’s horrible. He’s such an amazing person and knows so much about medicine- he’s just not a good test taker. I wish I could do more to help him. It’s not fait to him and the things he wants to do. He’s amazing…and he’s mine