Month: November 2012

General, Love

Following Up

Posted on by jeanneji

I have an appointment with my doctor later today. Matt thinks that I’ve been making an improvement on Prozac, but I can’t say I agree. I am willing to keep going while I’m on it just to see if anything else changes.

We’ve been talking about the idea of marriage lately. He is working on prepping for his boards again so I went out and tried on fancy rings. A part of me wishes I hadn’t because they’re so nice and I know for a fact that they’re out of my reach. I’ve always yelled at the girls on Say Yes to the Dress for trying on something out of budget, but I fell victim to this. I must say, Cartier is luxurious.  I tried on a plain princess solitaire there; it’s amazing how they execute it. The lady helping me (I have her card, but I forget her name) described the perfect mounting where the stone is nearly lifted up on an invisible setting. It’s true! It was gorgeous. I don’t know how else to put it.

I went to Milanj Diamonds since they carry my Verragio line:

Coutour 409p

It’s simple, but has a touch of elegance beyond a plain band. I really like it. They had it with the round stone in the store. Jerry was really nice in helping me with the selection. There are so many. Milanj would win “Most Dazzling Store” on my trip to KOP. I also went into Bailey Banks and Biddle (I think that’s the name of it). Danica helped me through a lot of the selections. They’re all really nice. I just don’t know for sure if there’s something more I want out of  my ring. It’s a pretty big decision. It’s so hard to visualize it if it’s not sitting right there on my finger. I might like something on more or I might not. Who knows.

Matt’s mom is flying home today and I’m meeting up with them for dinner after my appointment.

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General, Love

Suppression

Posted on by jeanneji

I never expected my life to get to this point. I never expected to be where I am today.

I was in Pharmacy School. I was bright and thought there was this boy. But now that boy is seeing someone else, I’m not in school anymore and none of my shit is together.

Given, I met someone else. Absolutely amazing- but I might still have some repressed feelings that I haven’t dealt with. I don’t think I will do anything stupid, the thought just crosses my mind whenever I talk with him again.

I’ve never been one for addressing my feelings, but that’s probably what got me in this emotional mess. I don’t like dealing with the truth because it hurts. I try to be strong but I’m so fragile it’s disgusting.

I don’t have any doubts about Matt. I’m his queen. I’m just afraid I’ll always wonder what if things were different between me and Dave. That probably sounds like I still have feelings for him since I shouldn’t care if I have someone better. Who knows. The thought exists, is my point. Even still, I find myself jealous. I’d rationalize that by saying I had known him for a a bit and there was a lot of history- at least on my end. I was so committed- probably too much- and that was the first time I really poured my heart out to someone.

There’s that song on my iPod,

“You were my first and worst love”

That’s kind of the way I feel about things. That first one will always be with you. He’s a good kid and we get along grand, but I’m still moving past the history. I want to try and be friends but I’m not sure if it’s possible or a good idea. The last thing I want to do is hurt Matt. He doesn’t deserve that. He loves me and I’m not going to destroy one of the best things that has ever happened to me because I’m having trouble letting go.

Most of the time it’s nothing bad. I don’t worry about it. It’s when we start texting for a longer period of time that I start to remember and get a little jealous. Side note, this girl’s BFF in college went to high school with me. Small fucking world.

I can’t help but think that maybe the news broke me so much and led to my educational demise. Maybe I was headed there anyway. I don’t know, but it could possibly be causative.

I pray I don’t ruin everything. I hope I can figure out what’s best.

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