I never expected my life to get to this point. I never expected to be where I am today.

I was in Pharmacy School. I was bright and thought there was this boy. But now that boy is seeing someone else, I’m not in school anymore and none of my shit is together.

Given, I met someone else. Absolutely amazing- but I might still have some repressed feelings that I haven’t dealt with. I don’t think I will do anything stupid, the thought just crosses my mind whenever I talk with him again.

I’ve never been one for addressing my feelings, but that’s probably what got me in this emotional mess. I don’t like dealing with the truth because it hurts. I try to be strong but I’m so fragile it’s disgusting.

I don’t have any doubts about Matt. I’m his queen. I’m just afraid I’ll always wonder what if things were different between me and Dave. That probably sounds like I still have feelings for him since I shouldn’t care if I have someone better. Who knows. The thought exists, is my point. Even still, I find myself jealous. I’d rationalize that by saying I had known him for a a bit and there was a lot of history- at least on my end. I was so committed- probably too much- and that was the first time I really poured my heart out to someone.

There’s that song on my iPod,

“You were my first and worst love”

That’s kind of the way I feel about things. That first one will always be with you. He’s a good kid and we get along grand, but I’m still moving past the history. I want to try and be friends but I’m not sure if it’s possible or a good idea. The last thing I want to do is hurt Matt. He doesn’t deserve that. He loves me and I’m not going to destroy one of the best things that has ever happened to me because I’m having trouble letting go.

Most of the time it’s nothing bad. I don’t worry about it. It’s when we start texting for a longer period of time that I start to remember and get a little jealous. Side note, this girl’s BFF in college went to high school with me. Small fucking world.

I can’t help but think that maybe the news broke me so much and led to my educational demise. Maybe I was headed there anyway. I don’t know, but it could possibly be causative.

I pray I don’t ruin everything. I hope I can figure out what’s best.