This is so strange. Should things go according to plan, I will be living in Virginia by May. That means there are two months left here. I’m so excited to move on to this next chapter in my life, but it’s strange to be moving away from everything I’ve grown up with.

Right now, my depression is a mess. My latest refill on Prozac I filled at CVS at home (vs. Target in the city) and this is a new manufacturer. Guess what. Allergy rash! I stopped taking it, but have not been taking anything else since it has been maybe two weeks at this point and I am still itchy. This is so frustrating. It put a hold on my exercise (just like last year) since I don’t want to irritate the rash.

I’ve been staying up with Matt lately and it’s peaceful. I went out for pictures with his mom the other day. It wasn’t bad, but my depression is getting to me. I keep comparing myself to everyone else and it makes me feel so terrible inside. His mom has been reading up and knows all this information about her camera (on top of having 2 cameras strapped to her with a bandolier). Then his cousin Chris is this huge photographer and going through his pictures makes me feel like shit. I like photography, but I feel like a fraud next to these people. I don’t know what I am doing. I like to shoot on Auto because adjusting the settings is so time consuming and hard to get just right.

I know I shouldn’t compare myself to others and it’s all in my head, but I can’t stop these thoughts. They’re so pervasive and once I start thinking about it, I get so caught up bringing myself down. I can’t stop looking at these amazing pictures or reading about all the people doing wonderful things with their lives. I want to believe that it will motivate me to make a change and actually do something about myself, but then I just sink into this terrible mood and hate myself even more.

I am trying not to cry; trying not to take everything so personally. I get to see my doctor in a little while so hopefully we have a plan. This just gets so hard and I have trouble being around people. Thinking about it makes me sad, and I abhor crying in front of people. I keep on thinking about how everyone else lives their lives and how it takes so much effort for me to keep it together. That is not to say I’m the only one going through something or having a hard time, but just by appearances, it seems like I’m the only one who can’t deal with life.

I’d like to think I’m trying. I might be biased though.