Of course I’m depressed. My mind hasn’t shut up on years. I’m always thinking about everything and playing every conflicting scenario through my head. Sculpting my every word so meticulously. Tonight is a vent. I don’t mean to attack anyone but its been on my mind…maybe I’m too nice to say it out loud. Maybe I’m too scared to cry in front of people.

There are a few ways my conversation with Lenny about Omega can go. I’ve played that one in my head a few hundred times with all his possoble responses and all the ways I can phrase it. I might do an email to avoid live chat.

Or my self esteem blow when you take all the credit. You’ve got a lot to speak for, but damn it I’m pretty sure I made that whole hat and I called over 2 of those dogs. But no. It couldn’t possibly be me or about me. Ever.

I’m just the convenient one who is home if you’re around…except when you drive 300+ miles from school to hang out with your roomate from school. Nah. I’m free when you get bored of that. Like I said, I’ll see you in December- maybe.

You have to understand. I’m a very literal person. Word choice is everything. Face value: I take what you say to be what you mean. How else should I interpret it? I know we’re very different people with different values, sometimes u wonder why we even have each other.  But when you make certain statements, that everyone is replaceable and you don’t care about anything. That’s a literal translation to say that our friendship means shit and I’m just filler. Thanks.

I know we said there wouldn’t be anything to it. NSA. I got that. But maybe I was starting to build a kind of friend. I’m not saying I am heartbroken, but I’m ablittle hurt when you drop off the planet with no words or responses. I’m not attached, but I do miss you.

I hate it when you complain about some things to me. Last time I checked, you had it tons better than me in that department. For me, you don’t have much room to complain. I know there’s worse off than me, but what I get from you sometimes is a joke. Appreciate what you have a little.

You’re the worst of them all. So many times you seem like you’re trying to be a good person, but I know you’re just using me. That’s the only time I ever hear from you, trying to make it seem like you want to see me and miss me. I know its a lie, but I can’t help but agree to it. This is definitely a parasitic relationship that I wont let myself give up. Maybe I’m still hoping for change, or just the shot to see what everyone else does… What’s worse though- knowingly being used or not even realizing it?

I don’t want to let you down, but I’m falling apart. I’m not ok but I can’t even have time for that. I’m too compliant. I can’t ask for my own needs if I’m a doormat. Unheard of. But in case you were being serious when you ask, how are you, I’m terrible. I’m depressed and lonely. I am exhausted because I can’t sleep well; the last good, full night of sleep I got was December 2010. I distinctly remember when I lost that. I’m growing incredibly neurotic where it’s a detriment to my well bring, and that mixes just well with my nasty emotional state. I feel overworked and I’m empty inside.

How are you?