Author: jeanneji

Dreams

Heartbroken

Posted on by jeanneji

I got up a little before 11am this morning, feeling absolutely torn. It was the worst dream about Dave ever.

I had sent him an email yesterday about Christmas. In the dream, I finally got a response which said that he’s like that (if I sent it out there) which was not a problem. I read it wrong the first time, so a little while later, I went back to make sure I had it right and he had sent another reply in addition to what he originally sent. It was like a moment in Google Wave where it came up as he typed. He said he had something to tell me and I might not like it.

He said he was seeing somebody.

In the sense that I could creep on facebook since I don’t have a facebook, he sent me 2 links to her profile and I think his own (with the status). They met at a party. I was looking through a few pictures and found out she went to my high school. I was actually IN one of the pictures in the album. The name was a little foreign (like, not a standard white girl name) but she was okay, I guess.

He said he didn’t mean for it to happen. He also said that when he was making the decision [ between us ], for me, it came down to one conversation that we had. I asked if that one conversation affected it in a good or bad way, and all he said to me was, “8,” like a scale ranking- without a key to define values. I should have asked for him to specify the conversation too (and I was even thinking that in the dream)

I remember thinking to myself, does this mean I can start looking at other boys? But the real question is- do I want to? The thought of Jim and Sean (others maybe) flashed before my eyes. Dave and I weren’t an item, but I felt that if we both were into each other, it would be proper to not really be looking elsewhere (or at least acting upon it).

I went upstairs, almost crying. Someone was on the rocker- almost seemed like my dad- and the thoughts that he could have been the one washed over. I wasn’t sure what to do. No, we were not official, but I felt something. He really could have been the one- but that hope just broke.

Maybe this is a sign saying I shouldn’t be getting too involved in something that is in such a grey zone. I really like this boy, I really do.

Later I was in the car with my Dan and his friends. I thought I saw my cousin Brian drive by in the turning lane and Dan said he was going the wrong way anyway so he changed lanes. We were out at a restaurant/bar place with some people and the table next to us had Austin, Dave Messa, Ryan Lynch and another guy. There was a birthday girl and she won a kiss from Ryan Lynch. Soon it was me and my mom sitting at our booth with some events going on inside and a weird lady taking pictures with a 90s camera.

Then I was with my mom at some outdoor Nutcracker event. I thought if I had magic, I could make the show spectacular with lights and all this crazy stuff- but I don’t.

I found myself in a new job environment with a really crazy bitch of a supervisor. There were a handful of rules (No undergarments showing, but that included socks). My HIV test didn’t come back yet, but I was already tested. She asked if I would do it again and I agreed. She wanted to know if I had a spare set of clothes, but I didn’t. Not sure why I need to be naked though. It was like Lenny, but not, sitting there (because he had been through this already). Big boss man walked by and super asked what should happen. He said he wanted me in a gown and just to take the test. Lenny said if that was happening, he’d just wait back at the house.

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General, Home

Small Town

Posted on by jeanneji

I’m laying here in bed on my phone right now. I can’t get it out of my head.

First off, today officially marks 6 years since my dad. Crazy stuff.

Second, as the holidays approach and people shop for everyone else, I can’t help but feel alone. I don’t exactly have a committed to exchange with. I have a gift on store for Dave but that’s probably not even mutual (not that I mind since this is something I want to do). It would just be nice to have that exchange.

Third, its a small ass town. Jenn and I did our usual late day Black Friday shopping. End of the night as things were closing, we decided to check out a wine and spirits shop. Took the detour through Wawa. I went in with a goal of getting my pumpkin spice drink and decided to check on soup in the mean time. Boston Clam Chowder. The best stuff they have. I was staring at the machine deciding between medium and large when Jenn starts kicking at my foot. At first I thought it was intentional but she did it again. I look over at her and she’s mortified, looking behind the counter.

James. This so called ex of mine that has been stirring the pot since I met him 4 years ago. I remember that one night we hung out and he was telling me how he got selected with a small group put of a pile of applicants for some intense managerial program with Wawa. I guess that was true because there he was.

Jenn pulled me away as I was canceling my soup. Had an OMG moment in the aisle and didn’t know what to do with him roaming. Tried avoiding contact, and Jenn pushed me away by the drinks (he spotted her) so I went to get my drink. We went to pay and as I stepped out, he saw me. Time slowed down as this eye contact occurred with the “oh shit” feeling as I said to Jenn, he saw me. We went to pay and avoided contact as we left.

This year, I’m thankful for my ex. We were expecting a txt or IM when I got back, but neither. To be honest, I was a little disappointed. Our history is not the best but he at least pretended to care and I miss that. He has this thing over me that I can’t help. I don’t let it eat my time- except when he makes contact; I’m powerless. I have no idea what I’m doing and a part of me wants to see him, even though I know how bad be is for me. Jenn knows how bad which is why she pulls me away. This is a mess.

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School

A Movtive

Posted on by jeanneji

I wish I could get studying right now. I have about 5 hours to catch up on before I start reviewing (and this is just one class!) I told myself that I need to get through at least the one hour before I could let myself shower. Small steps here.

Lenny and I have this issue about motivation. We care about school and want this pretty future, but there isn’t something spectacular driving us. Why should I care? I wish I cared more. I don’t need to strive for a 4.0- that’s not realistic, too time consuming and I would honestly go into a coma from the overload. Besides, the kid with the 2.3 is still in the program and probably still has a life.

I watched a lot of Wong Fu earlier. I still want to make it big on the internet, but maybe another time. More pictures uploaded from Halloween and Fall Fest. I’m actually in the city on a Saturday night. That’s weird. I have the potential to get things done- I just rather be doing so many other things.

I did a girl’s night last night with Georgeanne, Amy, and Jenn. There was a lot of venting and I didn’t say much, but I also get really emotion for no reason (which would have made a bigger mess- not necessary). I can’t say I know what’s going on with D; there are some emails that weren’t responded to (there have been known events where he did not receive them, but other events where he didn’t get to them immediately). I don’t know whats up, but I figure at this point, I’ll leave him be. He’s busy. I was really hoping to get to go out there this month, but at this rate- who knows. I don’t want to push anything (leading up to last time was terrible).

Ideally, I can focus on studies. We both can. I hope to jeebus I get things done. After Tuesday, there are no more MAJOR exams, so that’s a relief. Time to catch up on life…and sleep.

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Dreams

Fries

Posted on by jeanneji

We’ve been on a fry binge lately. I had this dream last night that Alex was about to go somewhere but wanted to give me and Lenny our gifts. I got a bag of fries, and Lenny got a bag of fries and hashbrowns. Hahaha

The night before, I had this dream, I was back in London. I ran into Dougal and Gammer and we were hanging out in town. We were talking about the release of Anybody Else But you.

I started talking with Dougal about CDs and he was asking me what I had. I told him honestly that I really didn’t have many, but I was a huge fan of their work and all the Clubland things lately. He said I could probably have one of his.

I was excited- he’s a Dj, he’s loaded with music. But we were looking around and he asked if I just wanted to come up to his place and grab it. I asked him where his place was, and he pointed to the one tower apartment. There were ads plastered on the top with DJs, and he actually lived behind a part of his own face (hahah). But I’m thinking that I wasn’t doing anything else so we decided to just go. He went to tell Gammer and we started headed towards his building.

We got in and there was a group of us traveling through the lobby and all the escalators and elevators. He got ahead of me and when I finally made it up to his room, there were people around. I ran into Sarah Chau and we started talking about Arcadia and studying abroad. I don’t remember much else- I just remember that it was the best thing in the world getting to hang out with Dougal and Gammer.

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General, School

HAPPY

Posted on by jeanneji

Tee hee…do you know what today is? It’s Dave’s birthday. He’s getting really old, which makes me feel more like a child. Gross. But whatever. I got him to get online last night and count down to midnight. Our clocks weren’t synched so he was late. I got a little excited and didn’t get to finished typing “birthday” without going past the time so I only sent HAPPY, hence the title here.

Double Iced Krimpets

I sent out a poster, some dunkaroos, tastykakes, chocolate, zombie kit, inflatable cane…I think that was all. The poster arrived yesterday, the box arrived when he wasn’t home but it’s there now. I wish I could see the reaction of opening the box. I tried splicing up an old spice guy commercial so send as a birthday message, but it came out a little rough. I sent it earlier as a birthday email. That might just be some infringement if I upload that; trust me, the idea is epic.

So we spent about an hour chatting and studying. He seriously makes everything better. During our little chat, he  promised me a dinner party. YOU HEAR THAT D? I’m holding you to it. But seriously, I would much rather just be out there than here. MISSJOO

So anyway. Halloween came and went. I had a few exams so I didn’t really go out. Jimmy came down to see Lenny in a fabulous surprise way. Story goes, Jimmy was gonna take the bus down after class and arrive in the city around 8pm. At about 3pm, Alex sends me a text asking if I was home and that we need to talk. I was like- uhh? But she told me that Jimmy was coming down. He got here around 4 and we helped him set up; Lenny got out of work around 5. This is the chaos that ensued.

Anyway…I’m sitting here right now, watching some TV and trying to relax. Planning some more shebangs.

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