Author: jeanneji

Health, School

Pooped

Posted on by jeanneji

It’s almost 6am. I haven’t been able to sleep. I got in a lecture, cleaned my room, did some stretches…I can’t sleep. I was starting to feel a little nauseous but I’m a little better now. I’m almost thinking if I don’t get to bed, I’ll make myself a lovely little breakfast. Some eggs and toast, fruit, yogurt. As nice as that sounds, I rather get to sleep.

My body is exhausted, but my mind is running as usual. I can’t seem to get comfortable enough to put my mind at ease. I figured if I’m going to be up, maybe I’ll do something. I used to spend all night fixing up my website. Those were the days. Difference is, I wanted to stay up and did get tired.

Did I mention I’m on new meds? I’m doing a cross taper off the Lexapro and starting the Wellbutrin. Different mechanism, hopefully some better results.

Oh, and did you notice? I accidentally upgraded the theme (which is a no-no since it’s far from the old one) so I had to restore it again and try to get it back where it was. Bad Jeanne.

Earlier, I told Amanda that all I wanted to do was rant about D. She told me to rant away, which I eventually got to. Some concerns were expressed, and I ended up sending her some conversation exchanges he and I had in the past for her perspective.  She has a positive outlook on this strangely stupid situation I’m in, so I’m feeling better about it. I read through some old things and I got the melty feeling, which I do enjoy. I’m just insecure. I’ve never been in a position like this before, I just want it to be real.

I’m wondering if I should just stay up at this point/if I will be able to get up again once I get to sleep. Can the old girl still do it? Who knows. I might be miserable and collapsing if I stay up- but I guess only one way to find out. Alex’s alarm just went off to get up and study before her exam. I don’t hear anything yet- maybe I’ll text her to get up or something Smile with tongue out

I’m so jealous of the dog right now. She can plop herself down and be asleep within a minute. I wish it were that easy. I wonder if she feels rested though, since she does sleep a lot. I would love to feel rested after a night of sleep. Ooh…I wonder if I make breakfast now, I could get the itis and fall asleep! Mmm…adventure in the works.

Well wrapping things up I guess. Next week is the last week of classes. I have one exam Monday, and then the following week I have 6 finals. I can’t believe it’s already here. So much to do until then. I cannot wait for it to be over. D comes back the 18th- fingers crossed!

0
General

Get Over It

Posted on by jeanneji

Those are the hardest words I’ve ever encountered. The concept is clear and simple, but the action is so impossible- or so it seems. I remember the first time someone told me those words; I was stunned. For once, they didn’t try to take the blame away from me and soften the blow. It wasn’t something that someone else did or nothing of my concern, it was just something I had to move on from myself.

I saw Sean earlier tonight. I’m a super creep and I know it. There’s something about him I can’t resist. I think he now has a girlfriend (which should mean she’s high priority enemy) but why? Sean and I have never talked beyond high acquaintances. He has no idea I have this silly crush, and I’m just another nice girl at this school. When I saw him tonight, he was with some friends, another girl who I’m fairly envious of, and it just told me that I will never be in that picture.

It’s a little outrageous how my mind works. I have no reasons beyond what is in my head to justify what I’m doing, but I know this is something I have to let go. We can be friends- that is not a problem. I’m just not like him…or any of them.

I try to tell myself that I have D and I don’t need anything else. That’s true. I just can’t help but feel that my heart broke a little tonight in a dream that would have never worked. Of course, I still get doubts about D. I mention those all the time. I don’t like to think about it only because I don’t think much of myself. The more I put myself down, the more likely he is to actually find someone else. I know I’m tired of being alone, but there is a reason why things are they way they are.

I’m starting new meds tonight. Maybe this will have some effect. I need to see myself in a better light because that is where a large part of my problem is. I don’t want to lose what I have, but the dark hole inside me doesn’t think anything is there to begin with.

D, I am so in lesbians with you.

0
General, School

Thanks, G

Posted on by jeanneji

It’s almost that time again. November has always been a tough month for me after my dad. It’s weird to be celebrating D‘s birthday as such a big happy event and then get to the end and be super depressed. School is extremely busy- as expected. I have one more exam on Friday before I’m more or less free for break. Thanksgiving. Then 7 years. Wow. Has it really been that long? The more I go to therapy the more I find that event is the root of many of my issues. I know it was big. I just never imagined it would take such a huge toll- now.

D‘s coming home for the holiday. Not too long, but here. Maybe working out a visit? Doubt it but it’s always possible 🙂 Sometimes I get crazy ideas like being invited over and meeting the family. HAH. I have a nice Christmas outfit in mind 😛

The problem is…lately I’ve been having dreams about Sean. I saw him the other night (I usually don’t see him ever) and it definitely made me smile inside. Amanda knows about my super crush and I told her about this. She asked what I would do if he ever “put the moves” on me. I honestly don’t know. They’re both fantastic people and I would be so luck to have either of them. But do I have to pick?

What I do know is that I love my dog. Haha. She’s so freaking cute and my phone has so many pictures of her. She’s my lucky lady.

Oh. My meds were upped last week. I don’t think it’s really doing anything for me, but I have a few weeks until my next appt. I wonder what the next option is. I’m starting to think that it’s not something meds will fix, but I need to change my mindset and just how I am. That’s not to say it will be a simple task, but I’m not sure medication is the right answer.

Ugh. There’s a lot of food around me. I feel like I’ve been eating for two the past week or so. I hope it’s just a part of being a girl and that time of the month. I really hope. My thighs are looking huge. I hate being a girl sometimes. A lot of the time.

0
General, School

Hello Crazy

Posted on by jeanneji

I say it all the time. I’m losing my mind. I always am though. I have this somewhat big exam at 1 that I don’t care for. I’ve been going to therapy. I’ve got a lot on my mind.

Lenny wished for a clingy dog. We got her. I love her, but I think that the part of myself that gets lonely puts all the love I have to give towards this dog which in turn makes her the clingy dog she is. But that also being said, I just have so much to give. I get so concerned that the D situation will end horribly (worst case- there’s another girl Sad smile ), I’ve been talking to James again, and I just saw Sean. I just want to be held, feel wanted, special. I’m asking a lot, probably. I’m just tired of being like this.

Good things come to those who wait. I’m waiting. I have no other choice.

I’m in the market for a TV for my room down here in the city. I can’t wait to go shopping. I’m done with school.

Ok. So I drafted that during a class yesterday. I’m feeling better. I chatted with D yesterday and he says he’ll be around for his birthday. I’m so excited. This makes year 3 of celebrating his birthday Smile It’s those little moment that make me think maybe I am special. I sent his box today. It’s nothing big because I have some huge plans in the works. Besides, he’s not looking for much. I just hope my other plans go through. It’ll be so freaking baller, you have nooo idea!

Hell, if it doesn’t work for his birthday I can try for Christmas. Amanda thinks there is something special. I hope this is something and not in my head. I get closer to screaming out the L word (not lesbians) every day. I just want to tell people.

0