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Dreams, Health, Home

Doctor Doctor

Posted on by jeanneji

First off, I had the weirdest sick dream last night. It was dirty (raunchy) and included Lenny, and some girl that may or may not have been Amanda. Let me just say that I might be able to understand how Lenny is gay, and that I’m not really into the girl scene. I don’t really want to go into too much more with this. Ew.

I went home last night for a doctor’s appointment earlier today. Since I’m a new patient we did a past medical history and talked a bit. She feels that one of my major conditions that could be effecting the rest of me is depression. I expressed concerns of a thyroid condition so she did draw blood for testing. That makes me feel better. I also got my flu shot while I was in there.

Funny thing with the flu shot. Lately, my “sciatica” has been great/nonexistent. Wasn’t going to say anything. About an hour after my appointment, I was sitting in the kitchen and all of a sudden, it started kicking in. My lower back and hips are going in and out with this panging sore pain. Not cool. I’m leaning the shot as cause, but I can’t say with certainty.

So I got a prescription for Lexapro (escitalopram), copay of $50 (no generic yet- March!). Ouch. I was really upset with that, but I looked up the approximate retail cost which came about to just under $120. Makes me feel better about what I was spending, but I’m still not happy about it. Then again, we also discussed in class how it can cost of up $1.7 BILLION just to bring a single drug into market. I get it costs a lot, but *frown*. We’ll see how it goes in the follow up and or when generic pops out.

Hm. I forgot to mention how I got in to see the school psychologist yesterday. Spent about an hour in a pre-in clinic. A lot of questions and they’ll get back to me to determine whether or not I should be seen at the school or be referred somewhere else. They’re really nice about it, so we’ll see how that goes. How crazy am I? I’ll keep you posted.

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Friends, Home

Sly Devil

Posted on by jeanneji

Clever girl. It’s almost October and many things coming up. In keeping with the theme, I’m working on the annual birthday box. The first one was so incredibly themed…I don’t think I can top that. So third annual box is a collection of goodies, slightly different than last year’s box of goodies. I had some other birthday ideas but they don’t come in a box. Idea. Polaroid? Haha. Just jotting thoughts. He’s just one topic that can make me smile through almost anything 🙂

But another moment. Yolei. That’s someone I didn’t mean to grow apart from. I made contact. Try it. Go rekindle an old flame of a friend. Dare you.

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Home, Summer

Feathers

Posted on by jeanneji

Yes, I know its an increasing trend. I may or may not be on the bandwagon, but I like them. Its not to say I’ve never liked them until now, but its so easy to come by so why not?

mallard

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Ps. Did I mention I love ducks? Mallard earrings and feathers all acquired from etsy 🙂

Pps. I have since added a black iridescent rooster feather, but I do not have a picture. Woo. I can’t even find it when my hair is wet.

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Home

Stronger

Posted on by jeanneji

Tonight, I said no. Not just any no, but to said boy.

This whole situation helped me get some perspective on abusive relationships too. Stay with me now.

Let’s say someone who is sticking to an abusive relationship is not completely of sound mind. Damaged, if you will. I’m going with the, traumatic experience that sets the voice of doubt and worthlessness. Let me use myself and a male as an example (not to say that it’s always a man beating a woman).  First off, it was not always abusive- they always start well. He at least pretended to care.

Even if things had started well, it got to a point where it was “unhealthy”. Why stick around? Why keep coming back? Being damaged,  I have a craving for “love” and attention, and this is the closest substitute there is.  When no one else is around, he is there (wanted or not).

Let’s say he’s beating me and trying to change everything about me. You tend to justify things in this condition; what I decided is that even with all the things he wants to change, there’s something in my mind that says- why doesn’t he just get a new girl? Maybe there’s something “me” specific that he can’t find in someone else. Possibly. Sure there’s nothing else he wants, but he’s keeping me around for a reason. That sense of something about me being so essential to overrule finding someone else with all the other qualities. It is that simple idea that can lead me to think that maybe I am special and maybe he does want me. In that second, I give him another chance. I think he can satisfy my need to be needed, wanted. For that second, I am special…could be that weakness he wants too, though.

That made more sense in my head. But As lame as it is, I can sort of understand a little more, only because I am pretty damaged.  Knowing full well this is a terrible decision, saying no has not gotten easier.. He has a part of me still, the one that hopes for change, that things could be different. I also have a fear that if I shut him out completely, then I won’t have any contact with people at all (being that he’s made the most contact of all my legit friends combined 🙂

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Home

Down

Posted on by jeanneji

Of course I’m depressed. My mind hasn’t shut up on years. I’m always thinking about everything and playing every conflicting scenario through my head. Sculpting my every word so meticulously. Tonight is a vent. I don’t mean to attack anyone but its been on my mind…maybe I’m too nice to say it out loud. Maybe I’m too scared to cry in front of people.

There are a few ways my conversation with Lenny about Omega can go. I’ve played that one in my head a few hundred times with all his possoble responses and all the ways I can phrase it. I might do an email to avoid live chat.

Or my self esteem blow when you take all the credit. You’ve got a lot to speak for, but damn it I’m pretty sure I made that whole hat and I called over 2 of those dogs. But no. It couldn’t possibly be me or about me. Ever.

I’m just the convenient one who is home if you’re around…except when you drive 300+ miles from school to hang out with your roomate from school. Nah. I’m free when you get bored of that. Like I said, I’ll see you in December- maybe.

You have to understand. I’m a very literal person. Word choice is everything. Face value: I take what you say to be what you mean. How else should I interpret it? I know we’re very different people with different values, sometimes u wonder why we even have each other.  But when you make certain statements, that everyone is replaceable and you don’t care about anything. That’s a literal translation to say that our friendship means shit and I’m just filler. Thanks.

I know we said there wouldn’t be anything to it. NSA. I got that. But maybe I was starting to build a kind of friend. I’m not saying I am heartbroken, but I’m ablittle hurt when you drop off the planet with no words or responses. I’m not attached, but I do miss you.

I hate it when you complain about some things to me. Last time I checked, you had it tons better than me in that department. For me, you don’t have much room to complain. I know there’s worse off than me, but what I get from you sometimes is a joke. Appreciate what you have a little.

You’re the worst of them all. So many times you seem like you’re trying to be a good person, but I know you’re just using me. That’s the only time I ever hear from you, trying to make it seem like you want to see me and miss me. I know its a lie, but I can’t help but agree to it. This is definitely a parasitic relationship that I wont let myself give up. Maybe I’m still hoping for change, or just the shot to see what everyone else does… What’s worse though- knowingly being used or not even realizing it?

I don’t want to let you down, but I’m falling apart. I’m not ok but I can’t even have time for that. I’m too compliant. I can’t ask for my own needs if I’m a doormat. Unheard of. But in case you were being serious when you ask, how are you, I’m terrible. I’m depressed and lonely. I am exhausted because I can’t sleep well; the last good, full night of sleep I got was December 2010. I distinctly remember when I lost that. I’m growing incredibly neurotic where it’s a detriment to my well bring, and that mixes just well with my nasty emotional state. I feel overworked and I’m empty inside.

How are you?

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