General, Love

Following Up

I have an appointment with my doctor later today. Matt thinks that I’ve been making an improvement on Prozac, but I can’t say I agree. I am willing to keep going while I’m on it just to see if anything else changes.

We’ve been talking about the idea of marriage lately. He is working on prepping for his boards again so I went out and tried on fancy rings. A part of me wishes I hadn’t because they’re so nice and I know for a fact that they’re out of my reach. I’ve always yelled at the girls on Say Yes to the Dress for trying on something out of budget, but I fell victim to this. I must say, Cartier is luxurious.  I tried on a plain princess solitaire there; it’s amazing how they execute it. The lady helping me (I have her card, but I forget her name) described the perfect mounting where the stone is nearly lifted up on an invisible setting. It’s true! It was gorgeous. I don’t know how else to put it.

I went to Milanj Diamonds since they carry my Verragio line:

Coutour 409p

It’s simple, but has a touch of elegance beyond a plain band. I really like it. They had it with the round stone in the store. Jerry was really nice in helping me with the selection. There are so many. Milanj would win “Most Dazzling Store” on my trip to KOP. I also went into Bailey Banks and Biddle (I think that’s the name of it). Danica helped me through a lot of the selections. They’re all really nice. I just don’t know for sure if there’s something more I want out of  my ring. It’s a pretty big decision. It’s so hard to visualize it if it’s not sitting right there on my finger. I might like something on more or I might not. Who knows.

Matt’s mom is flying home today and I’m meeting up with them for dinner after my appointment.

General, Love

Suppression

I never expected my life to get to this point. I never expected to be where I am today.

I was in Pharmacy School. I was bright and thought there was this boy. But now that boy is seeing someone else, I’m not in school anymore and none of my shit is together.

Given, I met someone else. Absolutely amazing- but I might still have some repressed feelings that I haven’t dealt with. I don’t think I will do anything stupid, the thought just crosses my mind whenever I talk with him again.

I’ve never been one for addressing my feelings, but that’s probably what got me in this emotional mess. I don’t like dealing with the truth because it hurts. I try to be strong but I’m so fragile it’s disgusting.

I don’t have any doubts about Matt. I’m his queen. I’m just afraid I’ll always wonder what if things were different between me and Dave. That probably sounds like I still have feelings for him since I shouldn’t care if I have someone better. Who knows. The thought exists, is my point. Even still, I find myself jealous. I’d rationalize that by saying I had known him for a a bit and there was a lot of history- at least on my end. I was so committed- probably too much- and that was the first time I really poured my heart out to someone.

There’s that song on my iPod,

“You were my first and worst love”

That’s kind of the way I feel about things. That first one will always be with you. He’s a good kid and we get along grand, but I’m still moving past the history. I want to try and be friends but I’m not sure if it’s possible or a good idea. The last thing I want to do is hurt Matt. He doesn’t deserve that. He loves me and I’m not going to destroy one of the best things that has ever happened to me because I’m having trouble letting go.

Most of the time it’s nothing bad. I don’t worry about it. It’s when we start texting for a longer period of time that I start to remember and get a little jealous. Side note, this girl’s BFF in college went to high school with me. Small fucking world.

I can’t help but think that maybe the news broke me so much and led to my educational demise. Maybe I was headed there anyway. I don’t know, but it could possibly be causative.

I pray I don’t ruin everything. I hope I can figure out what’s best.

General, Love

Nidoran

I’m sitting here watching NY Ink right now. Of course, I’ve only seen a few episodes, and these are it. Whatever. Lately Matt and I have been thinking about ink and such. He had a few things that he’s set on for himself if he could get home, but we had an idea. It’s a tough idea, but just think couples tattoo. He is firmly against name tattoos (I understand) but this is different. Pokemon tattoos. Hahah. It was a joke at first but it’s a really sweet idea. We each get a Nidoran, ♂ and ♀. I’ll get the male to represent him (plus it’s cuter) and he’ll get the female for me.
Nidoran MaleNidoran Female

The line art is probably like what we’re leaning, but I like the other images too. I’m about to go vacuum my car (he has a dyson too, did I mention that?) and then hit the gym. I NEED to get back in better shape than where I let myself go. We’re going on vacation at the end of the week. I know I can’t drastically change by then, but I can start. Change is change. I need to get out of this habit of getting somewhere and then letting myself go. I mentioned it to Matt but I was going to the gym before I met him. Given, I stopped because of my rash, but I put on so much weight since then. I was in much better shape just 2 months ago. This is bullshit. My goal is less talk and more action. Stop being such a fatass, Jeanne.

Love

Taken

What? Did you really see that? Like, seriously. About 12 hours after that last post, it all changed. He asked me out. Not like, just a date, but he asked me to be his girlfriend- mutually exclusive, honest girlfriend.

I accepted,  of course! I know I say I’m crazy, but you’d have to be dead or undead not to do it in my shoes. Not just for the amount we have in common, but for the hours on end we can spend talking and never getting any sleep. For every detail and all the coincidences (innumerable at this point), maybe it was a sign. I just know that I am happy.

You hear that? Happy. Maybe not so happy at the timing and all my stupid school things, but inside, I’m in the clouds 🙂 What’s crazier is that I think he’s happier than I am (not that it’s a problem).

So here it is, ladies and gentleman. For the first time in poor little J-bird‘s life, she’s not single. For historian purposes, it happened shortly after the midnight crossing of 24 February, 2012. Go check his facebook. Go like me on fb too while you’re at it 🙂

General, Love

I Know Something You Don’t Know

I came upon an article about “how to seduce a leo man” (in terms of astrology). Very interesting thing, seeing as MoneyPenny here is a leo himself. Many things accurate within the piece but it’s never perfect.  Then after that bit I looked for my own. How to Seduce a Capricorn Woman. Very fascinating. I give it a moderately high rating of accuracy, but not completely.

I’m just completely thrown off by what’s happening outside of school. Maybe I’m seriously going mad or MoneyPenny might actually be something. I have a lot of stuff going on, and I have not really sacrificed his time, but I’m still getting my work done. What confuses me the most is how he’s in basically the same program as D is but he says nothing of studying or preparing besides just going in for work. What? How do you have time?!

Not that I’m complaining- this is a really nice change of things. I’m just so. in awe of it all.

This rash can go to hell though. I just want it to get better. It’s a little early for my prednisone today so I’m still waiting. I took my exam earlier and now I’m hanging out melting my brain…and talking with the moneypenny 🙂