Health, Home

The Next Stage

Posted on by jeanneji

This is so hard to keep up with. I go in and out of motivation to keep up, but I have so much to catch up on!

First off, Matt and I have come a long way. We’re almost on our one year (my first! haha) and Valentine’s is also coming up.

I don’t recall if I mentioned it in the last one, but I kind of ruined some of his plans of proposing by calling him out, so he said I’d have to wait until at least the one year point.  I took him to Milan J to show him the ring I want. It’s beautiful, and guess what. He liked it!  We started the process of moving out of the apartment and if we can get out of the lease early, he said he’s taking the money to buy my ring. Now he’s just planning a way to do it without me catching on.

We find out on the 11th if he will get matched and that will tell us if we end up in Scranton, Virginia or West Virginia. Should he not get matched, he’s getting scrambled into who knows where. But as soon as we find out, I am finished this house hunting.

I’ve been also trying to keep away from wedding planning because I get so caught up in it all. I like nice things and I just want to go wild. It’s so exciting, but we don’t have the resources to do everything I want. I need to tone it down since I just take everything too far. I find out the best ideas or even the coolest ways to propose, but that only limits him on how he can do it since I’ve seen more ideas than he has.

I’m currently sitting around watching Archer season 3. I’ve forgotten how nice graphics looks with my box.  I’ve had it here on my desk for so long since I don’t want to carry it around.

Speaking of office, I’ve been thinking about my career. I really like the idea of being able to work from home. Some reason, if I don’t find my way into medical school, I have considered a computer role. Getting back into webdesign or or graphic design perhaps. I love the flexibility of working on my own time and if we had kids, I could spend the time to raise them, take to recitals and practice!

Haha. Kids. Who knows where I am going. I just really like the idea of my future more than actually acting on it. It’s easier to dream. I’ve been going to the gym lately, but it’s so tough. Keeping up for slow progress is not very encouraging. My heart is better and I don’t get winded as easily, but I can’t stay motivated. I weigh myself and it goes up. My pants are starting to get tight, even though I am doing my work of exercising. I just hope this is the muscle growth phase before the fat starts to melt.

I’m trying. This is so difficult for me.

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General, Health

Venture Christmas

Posted on by jeanneji

This year I’m making some venture brother speed shirts. I made one and I have 4 more to go. I was able to find a super nice lady on etsy to embroider for me. I’m excited to get those back.

I’m currently sitting in Ardmore Acura getting an oil change, which was long overdue. They’re pretty nice here and I had a special that gave me a discount so I’m happy.

My student loans came due this month and I am dying. I was avoiding it but now it’s here. I don’t know what I’ll do. I’m not out of my funk yet, but I need to start working. I might look into a job in the city for now to get more hours in and hopefully money. 

I hate to be so cliché but I want to start exercising. Matt’s mom is getting me an iPod Nano with Nike+. I was looking at new running shoes too. I want to do this right. I NEED to stop complaining and get off my ass. I’m usually more talk and ideas but I need to set this in action. A girl from the frat has been on a huge workout kick and Lenny told me she looks so good. She apparently lost 50” off her body! That’s ridiculous. I just can’t believe she got that done during school. Lenny agrees with me that it sounds absurd.

It can be done. I need to do this for myself and stop feeling bad.

My brother got me sick so I’m in the middle of recovery. It is the worst reason to not do anything. The most useless I could ever be. I’m fighting it with lots of drugs though. Lots of drugs.

Keep fighting. Keep fighting.

Depression

No matter how far, run for all you’re worth. Run.

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General, Love

Following Up

Posted on by jeanneji

I have an appointment with my doctor later today. Matt thinks that I’ve been making an improvement on Prozac, but I can’t say I agree. I am willing to keep going while I’m on it just to see if anything else changes.

We’ve been talking about the idea of marriage lately. He is working on prepping for his boards again so I went out and tried on fancy rings. A part of me wishes I hadn’t because they’re so nice and I know for a fact that they’re out of my reach. I’ve always yelled at the girls on Say Yes to the Dress for trying on something out of budget, but I fell victim to this. I must say, Cartier is luxurious.  I tried on a plain princess solitaire there; it’s amazing how they execute it. The lady helping me (I have her card, but I forget her name) described the perfect mounting where the stone is nearly lifted up on an invisible setting. It’s true! It was gorgeous. I don’t know how else to put it.

I went to Milanj Diamonds since they carry my Verragio line:

Coutour 409p

It’s simple, but has a touch of elegance beyond a plain band. I really like it. They had it with the round stone in the store. Jerry was really nice in helping me with the selection. There are so many. Milanj would win “Most Dazzling Store” on my trip to KOP. I also went into Bailey Banks and Biddle (I think that’s the name of it). Danica helped me through a lot of the selections. They’re all really nice. I just don’t know for sure if there’s something more I want out of  my ring. It’s a pretty big decision. It’s so hard to visualize it if it’s not sitting right there on my finger. I might like something on more or I might not. Who knows.

Matt’s mom is flying home today and I’m meeting up with them for dinner after my appointment.

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General, Love

Suppression

Posted on by jeanneji

I never expected my life to get to this point. I never expected to be where I am today.

I was in Pharmacy School. I was bright and thought there was this boy. But now that boy is seeing someone else, I’m not in school anymore and none of my shit is together.

Given, I met someone else. Absolutely amazing- but I might still have some repressed feelings that I haven’t dealt with. I don’t think I will do anything stupid, the thought just crosses my mind whenever I talk with him again.

I’ve never been one for addressing my feelings, but that’s probably what got me in this emotional mess. I don’t like dealing with the truth because it hurts. I try to be strong but I’m so fragile it’s disgusting.

I don’t have any doubts about Matt. I’m his queen. I’m just afraid I’ll always wonder what if things were different between me and Dave. That probably sounds like I still have feelings for him since I shouldn’t care if I have someone better. Who knows. The thought exists, is my point. Even still, I find myself jealous. I’d rationalize that by saying I had known him for a a bit and there was a lot of history- at least on my end. I was so committed- probably too much- and that was the first time I really poured my heart out to someone.

There’s that song on my iPod,

“You were my first and worst love”

That’s kind of the way I feel about things. That first one will always be with you. He’s a good kid and we get along grand, but I’m still moving past the history. I want to try and be friends but I’m not sure if it’s possible or a good idea. The last thing I want to do is hurt Matt. He doesn’t deserve that. He loves me and I’m not going to destroy one of the best things that has ever happened to me because I’m having trouble letting go.

Most of the time it’s nothing bad. I don’t worry about it. It’s when we start texting for a longer period of time that I start to remember and get a little jealous. Side note, this girl’s BFF in college went to high school with me. Small fucking world.

I can’t help but think that maybe the news broke me so much and led to my educational demise. Maybe I was headed there anyway. I don’t know, but it could possibly be causative.

I pray I don’t ruin everything. I hope I can figure out what’s best.

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General, Travel

Bluefield

Posted on by jeanneji

I am currently sitting in a starbucks outside of Princeton, WV. Matt had his interview today at Bluefield Regional Medical Center (BRMC) and this is the nearest starbucks. We’re killing time until the resident dinner tonight; we had to check out of our hotel and this is free internet Smile with tongue out

This place is quite something. First of all, it’s an 8 hour drive into the middle of nowhere. It’s tucked away on the border of Virginia and West Virginia in the mountains. Beautiful. There are trees for miles and it’s fall so the colors are just stunning. Pictures to come.

When I first got here, I was kind of nervous. If Matt ends up here, I wasn’t sure I could be happy here because it’s so different from what I am used to. It’s very rural. There isn’t a lot going on. More nature than people. I got a chance to drive around today and there are little things to comfort me while I am here. I know for a fact that I will miss home (Oh, how I have taken KOP for granted), but this doesn’t have to be a terrible thing. There is plenty of land for Joey.

Just in driving to walmart here we cross the border into Virginia about 5 times. It’s so close to the border. I used to think there wasn’t much to do at home, but this is so much less. But even here, there are the same people from home. The lazy large people on motorized scooters, big girls who wear too little, ghetto ricers- they’re all here.

It’s growing on me. It really is. I just know it will be a huge change from what I am used to.

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