Tag: crazy

General, Love

Suppression

Posted on by jeanneji

I never expected my life to get to this point. I never expected to be where I am today.

I was in Pharmacy School. I was bright and thought there was this boy. But now that boy is seeing someone else, I’m not in school anymore and none of my shit is together.

Given, I met someone else. Absolutely amazing- but I might still have some repressed feelings that I haven’t dealt with. I don’t think I will do anything stupid, the thought just crosses my mind whenever I talk with him again.

I’ve never been one for addressing my feelings, but that’s probably what got me in this emotional mess. I don’t like dealing with the truth because it hurts. I try to be strong but I’m so fragile it’s disgusting.

I don’t have any doubts about Matt. I’m his queen. I’m just afraid I’ll always wonder what if things were different between me and Dave. That probably sounds like I still have feelings for him since I shouldn’t care if I have someone better. Who knows. The thought exists, is my point. Even still, I find myself jealous. I’d rationalize that by saying I had known him for a a bit and there was a lot of history- at least on my end. I was so committed- probably too much- and that was the first time I really poured my heart out to someone.

There’s that song on my iPod,

“You were my first and worst love”

That’s kind of the way I feel about things. That first one will always be with you. He’s a good kid and we get along grand, but I’m still moving past the history. I want to try and be friends but I’m not sure if it’s possible or a good idea. The last thing I want to do is hurt Matt. He doesn’t deserve that. He loves me and I’m not going to destroy one of the best things that has ever happened to me because I’m having trouble letting go.

Most of the time it’s nothing bad. I don’t worry about it. It’s when we start texting for a longer period of time that I start to remember and get a little jealous. Side note, this girl’s BFF in college went to high school with me. Small fucking world.

I can’t help but think that maybe the news broke me so much and led to my educational demise. Maybe I was headed there anyway. I don’t know, but it could possibly be causative.

I pray I don’t ruin everything. I hope I can figure out what’s best.

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General, Home, School

My Own Number 23

Posted on by jeanneji

Here is a two part entry. There’s a break in the post (scroll down) for the second topic, which was written later and about the birthday!

IMG_20110204_140514Ever since James, I’ve had my own crazy thing about coincidence. In my own little code way, I gave him the label of “130” (which originated from J130, now without the letter). Like Jim Carrey’s movie, The Number 23, I slowly found myself seeing this number everywhere. Part of it was, now that I designated meaning to this number, I will notice it more often when it’s there. But I still think a part of it is ridiculous how often I ran run into it. From clocks to all the little things. Exhibit A: closet opposite the girls bathroom I walked out of (taken last week)

Then there was Dave. There’s a lot more behind that one, but I just want to note how many more people I have met named Dave, and why the name is tormenting me (not devastating, but I can’t believe how often I encounter it nowadays).

  1. Dave C. from home (with a similar voice intonation, might I add)
  2. Dave Fry
  3. Dave Dry
  4. Dave Hayes
  5. Unique Hair Dave
  6. Temple Camera Lens Dave
  7. T-Mobile Dave
  8. THE Dave
  9. Walmart Security Dave
  10. Roomate’s Boyfriend Dave (David)
  11. Club Dave
  12. District Head of Rite Aid Dave
  13. District Head of Giant Dave
  14. Mom’s Nurse Dave…
  15. Foursquare Dave Dave

Kicker. Today I went in for an interview at Doylestown Hospital.  Head of Operations (Chantel) decided to give me a tour of the place after a nice chat;  first place I was brought was into the back.

Chantel: Jeanne, I’d like you to meet Dave.
Dave: Very nice to meet you. *shake hands*
Chantel: [describing some of the operations and then telling me about Dave some more and what he’s doing. Looking at NEJOM is what I saw.]

On the way out of the back…
Dave: It was nice meeting you Smile

Riiight. There’s got to be at least 3 more, but that’s what I have for now.

Today is Lenny’s 21st Birthday. 1. Happy Birthday. 2….idk

 

The whole presents thing was not easy. The one suggestion I did get was something I already got for him last year. I have a nice card, made him a Reese’s dessert cake and hung a Dora banner that says PARTY * FIESTA.

Tonight is also 2 other birthdays (Lisa and Matt) and the 3V3 Basketball Tourney.  We’re leaving early to do birthday shenanigans, but now I’m feeling terrible. I just got back not too long ago, and Alex was sitting on the couch. She’s sick and very feverish. She’s not sure if she’s going to be able to go out and feels bad about it. I feel terrible not because I’m still sick myself (it’s the weirdest condition (set of conditions plural) ever) but because I was contagious.

Not sure how tonight will go. Physio exam Friday. Naked clin skills tomorrow.

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