Tag: D

General, Health, School

Changing

Posted on by jeanneji

A lot has happened. Good. Bad. I’m not sure where to begin.

The biggest news that I could ever write about is D. He’s seeing someone now. He keeps apologizing for the way things turned out, but I don’t hate him for it. Yes it’s the most upsetting social thing in my life ever (dad doesn’t count here), but I still look at him as one of my best friends (and he told me the same). It hurts, but I’m learning to deal.

School is back and stressful as usual. Since the D situation I reactivated my OKC account. I’ve been chatting with a few people who seem to be really nice. It’s a good feeling when someone out there thinks well of you. I actually have a date in less than 10 hours 🙂 We’ll call him K. There’s also S, but that’s still in the works. We’ll see how any of this turns out.

That’s generally my life. Today is Lenny‘s birthday. 22. Big deal 😛 Anyway. I just wanted to update. I’m on duloxetine now, btw. 0/4.

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General, School

Thanks, G

Posted on by jeanneji

It’s almost that time again. November has always been a tough month for me after my dad. It’s weird to be celebrating D‘s birthday as such a big happy event and then get to the end and be super depressed. School is extremely busy- as expected. I have one more exam on Friday before I’m more or less free for break. Thanksgiving. Then 7 years. Wow. Has it really been that long? The more I go to therapy the more I find that event is the root of many of my issues. I know it was big. I just never imagined it would take such a huge toll- now.

D‘s coming home for the holiday. Not too long, but here. Maybe working out a visit? Doubt it but it’s always possible 🙂 Sometimes I get crazy ideas like being invited over and meeting the family. HAH. I have a nice Christmas outfit in mind 😛

The problem is…lately I’ve been having dreams about Sean. I saw him the other night (I usually don’t see him ever) and it definitely made me smile inside. Amanda knows about my super crush and I told her about this. She asked what I would do if he ever “put the moves” on me. I honestly don’t know. They’re both fantastic people and I would be so luck to have either of them. But do I have to pick?

What I do know is that I love my dog. Haha. She’s so freaking cute and my phone has so many pictures of her. She’s my lucky lady.

Oh. My meds were upped last week. I don’t think it’s really doing anything for me, but I have a few weeks until my next appt. I wonder what the next option is. I’m starting to think that it’s not something meds will fix, but I need to change my mindset and just how I am. That’s not to say it will be a simple task, but I’m not sure medication is the right answer.

Ugh. There’s a lot of food around me. I feel like I’ve been eating for two the past week or so. I hope it’s just a part of being a girl and that time of the month. I really hope. My thighs are looking huge. I hate being a girl sometimes. A lot of the time.

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General

Next Time

Posted on by jeanneji

D is headed out tomorrow- earlyish. Ideally, I’d meet him at a pit stop along the way just so I can see him before he’s gone. This would be the first time I’ve seen him on the east coast since I met him (2+ years ago)…and also the first time since about January 6 of this year. I’m optimistic in the sense that I’d kill to see this kid…but I’m doubtful that it’ll work out since my master plans always fall apart.

There’ was something I wanted to show him. This boy lives and breathes Philadelphia; there’s a magnificent view of it at night from a bridge by my place. I would have loved to take him there- but there was just never time. I took pictures of it once night, and I just wrote an email to him and attached the pictures. A little something for going away.  By the end of the email, I felt like I was writing a farewell. I know that this isn’t goodbye- it never is. It just bums me out like I’ll never see him again.  I probably should be so attached or care this much, but I do.

I’ve pretty much come down to this decision right now.  I’m dropping the topic. It’s the only good thing I can do right now. I’m always pushing topics and ideas to see him. I’m sure some would say that if he wanted to see me or something, he’d make some time or maybe have a little more effort. Any other situation I would agree, but this is different. I honestly believe that. I’m not hanging on to the high hope that I’ll see him any time soon (as much as I would love that), so in a sense maybe the email was a farewell. Farewell for now. If he happens to say something tomorrow, then I’ll be ecstatic, but whatever. Things will happen if they’re supposed to happen. Things have a time, and I’m going to kick patience in the ass.

Side note. I broke the left click button on my laptop again. It works when I push on it, but it doesn’t spring back up as a “button” anymore. This is the second time the exact thing happened. The only thing different is that my computer is no longer under warranty.  Damn broken rubbers.

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General

The L

Posted on by jeanneji

Every time I’m laying in bed and can’t sleep, I clean out my phone. That also means I pass D things, and then I like to reminisce and melt. Yep. That just happened.

Every word strikes a chord (if you will) with me. I was thinking of FM just now and their song “Fighting For Air”. I don’t need you in heels but I need you head over. Just the reverse of that.

I looked up infatuation the other week. I asked Rob if that necessarily had a negative connotation to which he said no. I’m trying to get a grasp on what I’m feeling because it feels like its getting out of control (not literally out of control- its still in check- but just wild). So…infatuated. enamored?

We’re close, but not THAT close. I know where I stand should status change. It’s this middle grey zone that is toying with me (and my emotions). I know, I know we’ve had the talk. I know he’s busy. Sometimes I just wonder what if things were different, that’s all. I’m always…maybe not always, but I’m pushing things from time to time. Suggesting plans. Odds are 1 in 15638747382749, but I want to try. After all, it was that random suggestion that got me Core Creek 🙂 Butter sauce. I’d say just give me one more day but that’d be lying. I want more. I’d take eternity of he’d let me….I’d take 5 minutes if he had it.

I’m pretty sure if he read this shit we wouldn’t be friends. I’m nucking futs. But I’ve done well limiting my contact. I’d love to have daily contact; I could easily be a stage 5 clinger if I didn’t moderate myself- I could cling in my sleep. But no. I watch how much there is and back off when I get too far in. He needs his space.

This is exactly how I see him. Gumming up the works. I know he gums up my works; I can’t forcefully gum up his.

Try not to think less of me because of this…

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