Tag: depressed

General

The Words

Posted on by jeanneji

So I’m back up at Matt’s. After working the weekend and Monday for Kim. I know I haven’t been working much, but I’m just so unhappy there. I don’t want to do anything.

So I’m sitting in the living room watching How I Met Your Mother. I started from the beginning and I’m catching up. There’s a lot of really cute moments in here and it almost makes me sad. I know I have Matt and he’s absolutely wonderful. I can’t even begin to describe how amazing he is to me. When I was talking with Aliece, I described to her what I always dreamed of in a guy. I always said it was so unrealistic. I told her I wanted someone who loved me and believed in me even when I did not think so. Someone who things I’m beautiful when I feel fat; someone who wants to be there for me and believes in me.

Matt is all of those things and I still cannot believe it is all real. The only thing is I hate talking about him to Amanda because she doesn’t have this. I don’t want to seem like I’m rubbing it in her face or putting her down. It’s a tough battle. I always think of other people. I wonder if they ever thought about me like that. Since I have always been that friend who never had anyone. They’ve all been in relationships at one point or another. This is my first one and it’s a big one.

We’ve talked about marriage and kids and family. The more I just sit here watching this show, or just being at home by myself after all the time we’ve had together- I miss him. I want him. I haven’t gotten the courage to drop the L word yet, but the more I think about it the harder it is. At first it wasn’t so bad because I wasn’t set on the feeling yet. But now it hits me and I don’t know what to do. I keep overthinking it.

I don’t know what I’m doing with myself anymore. The man of my dreams is here. He loves me, and I’m pretty sure I love him. There, I said it.

I just remembered a part of my dream. I had a dream Matt checked his residency applications online and all but 3 rejected him (the last few just haven’t gotten back to him yet). That’s horrible. He’s such an amazing person and knows so much about medicine- he’s just not a good test taker. I wish I could do more to help him. It’s not fait to him and the things he wants to do. He’s amazing…and he’s mine Smile

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Posted on by jeanneji

Of course I’m depressed. My mind hasn’t shut up on years. I’m always thinking about everything and playing every conflicting scenario through my head. Sculpting my every word so meticulously. Tonight is a vent. I don’t mean to attack anyone but its been on my mind…maybe I’m too nice to say it out loud. Maybe I’m too scared to cry in front of people.

There are a few ways my conversation with Lenny about Omega can go. I’ve played that one in my head a few hundred times with all his possoble responses and all the ways I can phrase it. I might do an email to avoid live chat.

Or my self esteem blow when you take all the credit. You’ve got a lot to speak for, but damn it I’m pretty sure I made that whole hat and I called over 2 of those dogs. But no. It couldn’t possibly be me or about me. Ever.

I’m just the convenient one who is home if you’re around…except when you drive 300+ miles from school to hang out with your roomate from school. Nah. I’m free when you get bored of that. Like I said, I’ll see you in December- maybe.

You have to understand. I’m a very literal person. Word choice is everything. Face value: I take what you say to be what you mean. How else should I interpret it? I know we’re very different people with different values, sometimes u wonder why we even have each other.  But when you make certain statements, that everyone is replaceable and you don’t care about anything. That’s a literal translation to say that our friendship means shit and I’m just filler. Thanks.

I know we said there wouldn’t be anything to it. NSA. I got that. But maybe I was starting to build a kind of friend. I’m not saying I am heartbroken, but I’m ablittle hurt when you drop off the planet with no words or responses. I’m not attached, but I do miss you.

I hate it when you complain about some things to me. Last time I checked, you had it tons better than me in that department. For me, you don’t have much room to complain. I know there’s worse off than me, but what I get from you sometimes is a joke. Appreciate what you have a little.

You’re the worst of them all. So many times you seem like you’re trying to be a good person, but I know you’re just using me. That’s the only time I ever hear from you, trying to make it seem like you want to see me and miss me. I know its a lie, but I can’t help but agree to it. This is definitely a parasitic relationship that I wont let myself give up. Maybe I’m still hoping for change, or just the shot to see what everyone else does… What’s worse though- knowingly being used or not even realizing it?

I don’t want to let you down, but I’m falling apart. I’m not ok but I can’t even have time for that. I’m too compliant. I can’t ask for my own needs if I’m a doormat. Unheard of. But in case you were being serious when you ask, how are you, I’m terrible. I’m depressed and lonely. I am exhausted because I can’t sleep well; the last good, full night of sleep I got was December 2010. I distinctly remember when I lost that. I’m growing incredibly neurotic where it’s a detriment to my well bring, and that mixes just well with my nasty emotional state. I feel overworked and I’m empty inside.

How are you?

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