Ok. I haven’t kept up with the entries, but I’ve been pretty good with my routine. I have been more tired and sleeping in more with Matt, but I am still exercising. Ugh. I can’t believe I’m actually exercising. I’ve been playing with Kenobi a lot lately. I went for a bike ride and even left Eagle Rock.
The big thing about this post is that I think it happened last night. I was laying with Matt in bed before bed and he got up to take a shower. But in the moment that he was standing there drinking his bottle of water, I felt something. I think it’s that attachment. I know he’s been thinking I would slip up and say the L word since 5 months ago, but I honestly never “felt” the L word until last night. I wanted to be sure, and I wanted to know. It was easier for him since the feeling struck early on. I just had a fear that I would never feel that way. I know he’s amazing and I care about him a lot, but I needed that feeling before I could/would say it.
Just now I was texting him after the elliptical and there was that missing feeling inside. He’s not just someone. Kelsey texted me the other day and she asked how we were. She said it seemed like we were getting really serious. I didn’t really get that since she doesn’t know much about our relationship, but I’d say we’re serious.
One of my biggest fears was that I still had feelings for Dave, and I might always kind of wonder what that would have been, but we’re just really good friends now, I’d say. He’s happy so I should be happy for him. I have Matt now so I shouldn’t have these thoughts or feelings, but I still do to an extent- not that I would leave him, it’s just something I still think about. I just hate having experiences that involve Dave because I feel like you shouldn’t bring up another boy like that just because of the history.
This is my last night here until I have to go home to work. It’s been nice not doing anything and just kind of working on myself. Given, I think the prozac is cause of my exhaustion, I am taking care of myself.
