Tag: Love

General, Love

Suppression

Posted on by jeanneji

I never expected my life to get to this point. I never expected to be where I am today.

I was in Pharmacy School. I was bright and thought there was this boy. But now that boy is seeing someone else, I’m not in school anymore and none of my shit is together.

Given, I met someone else. Absolutely amazing- but I might still have some repressed feelings that I haven’t dealt with. I don’t think I will do anything stupid, the thought just crosses my mind whenever I talk with him again.

I’ve never been one for addressing my feelings, but that’s probably what got me in this emotional mess. I don’t like dealing with the truth because it hurts. I try to be strong but I’m so fragile it’s disgusting.

I don’t have any doubts about Matt. I’m his queen. I’m just afraid I’ll always wonder what if things were different between me and Dave. That probably sounds like I still have feelings for him since I shouldn’t care if I have someone better. Who knows. The thought exists, is my point. Even still, I find myself jealous. I’d rationalize that by saying I had known him for a a bit and there was a lot of history- at least on my end. I was so committed- probably too much- and that was the first time I really poured my heart out to someone.

There’s that song on my iPod,

“You were my first and worst love”

That’s kind of the way I feel about things. That first one will always be with you. He’s a good kid and we get along grand, but I’m still moving past the history. I want to try and be friends but I’m not sure if it’s possible or a good idea. The last thing I want to do is hurt Matt. He doesn’t deserve that. He loves me and I’m not going to destroy one of the best things that has ever happened to me because I’m having trouble letting go.

Most of the time it’s nothing bad. I don’t worry about it. It’s when we start texting for a longer period of time that I start to remember and get a little jealous. Side note, this girl’s BFF in college went to high school with me. Small fucking world.

I can’t help but think that maybe the news broke me so much and led to my educational demise. Maybe I was headed there anyway. I don’t know, but it could possibly be causative.

I pray I don’t ruin everything. I hope I can figure out what’s best.

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General, Summer

Change in Direction

Posted on by jeanneji

Wow. I’ve never really been one for Sex In The City, but right now I feel like Carrie Bradshaw. I am basically living here with Matt. I know, it’s been a while. But I finished out my semester. There’s a lot of school drama with that, actually, but I’m looking to see if I even get to pass the semester. That’s not like me. Things have changed dramatically. I’ve been such a mess. You could say that I lost my footing and the Matt thing is throwing me off and I’ve neglected school because of him, but he’s been good for my mental health. He’s a doctor. Haha

Anyway, the Carrie thing. I’ve been here a lot. I’m sitting in the kitchen on my new computer. I’m writing and he was sweeping in the kitchen and just hanging out. I feel like a writer, sitting back and just doing my thing. This is a really cool satisfying feeling, actually. I like it a lot. I feel so independent. I’m just here, pretty much doing things on my own. But I honestly have the best boyfriend in the world. He is so much more than I could have ever hoped for. I am so happy with him. I can’t say I’m completely happy because I’ve been having trouble with myself- but that’ a work in progress.

He’s so crazy and nerdy. He pretty much completes me. I encouraged him to drink the other day after we both had really long weeks and he started letting some things slip(?) about if we end up married or if I take his hand. I honestly wouldn’t mind that. He’s good for me. The only thing is that his friend got married after only knowing a girl for 3 months. He doesn’t want to do things like that, but I get the feeling this is pretty solid. I’m just enjoying myself in the mean time. Next weekend is the start of our vacation. We’re going down to his family’s place in North Carolina (10 hour drive) for a few days, then we’re driving out to Ocean City, MD (9 hour drive) for about a week to ourselves. I’m super excited. I really need this.

He’s preparing dinner right now. Things are great. We’re going to watch jeopardy. I’ll try to keep this updated more often. Peace out

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Friends, General

The Exception

Posted on by jeanneji

I have a lot to write, kinda. So we’ll see how far this gets. I have things to be doing (that I should be, but just don’t seem to want to. haha).

1. My phone came in 2 days after the order. It’s wonderful.

2. I wanted to partition my hard drive so I can run Windows 7, but I ran into some trouble with some limitations. I tried some things to get around it and ended up wiping out my entire hard drive >_< After the shock and coming to terms with what happened (There goes about 150gb of my life u_u), I put Vista back on, and then was able to partition the drive (since there’s nothing there now. haha, yay.) Then My brother’s friend came over with the DVD and now I’m dual-booting Windows 7! It’s pretty great.  I didn’t have much of an issue with Vista, personally, but 7 is nice. I’m just in the works of kinda getting settled again.

3. I just watched He’s Just Not That Into You. I liked it. For the purpose of that romantic comedy business, it was good, but only if that’s your thing (and you’re one of those 27 Dresses or Ps. I Love You kinda person). Anyway, I have this total dreamy outlook on life, and maybe it’s not such a horrible thing; but in any case, all the wonderful stories you hear are never the case. never. unless you’re the exception.

4. Speaking of love. Last week was quite a wild day/night. Memorial Day weekend. I was with my friend Jenn all day (we’re always together) and we decided to make a trip to Costco Wholesale! I love that place. But that day we were kinda just wantering and walked by the cell phone booth.  The guys there were like, “Hey, you guys interested in getting a cell phone?”  Jenn wasn’t, but I always am 🙂 So we stopped to chat and all that fun stuff.  We were talking and the one kid who was working there (Justin) was telling how he has this crappy phone (ironic for working at a cell phone hut) and we joked about jacking a digital camera and duct-taping it to the back. It was fun times but then he said if we had any questions, we should give him a call. He wrote his name and number on the card and handed it to me O_O! Gasp. We walked away and it was just kinda hilarious. [It gets long…click for more] More shenanigans? Oh, what a LONNNG night it’ll be!

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